Today I embark on a new journey. I'm actually deciding to publish my problems via social media. I know what you're thinking...how original?! Well frankly, I'm not the kind of person that is comfortable being surrounded by friends. I mean it's really hard for me to not feel like I'm sharing too much or less or myself. In fact, I'd like to believe that I'm well liked just not on a superficial level. I have been invited to a few social events or two but I tend to lack the confidence to overcome my feelings and it's rare that I participate. For instance, the other night I received a Facebook tag about my friends band performing at this local lounge with an 80's theme. Awesome, except I was tagged to the post. For those who happened to not be saturated by internet culture what I meant by tagged is that my name was basically click-baited on a pictured post of an online invite instead of actually being sent the invitation for the event. Anyone else would most likely not think that deeply into the timing and just appreciate the invitation but not me.
I just didn't want to attend solo! I only knew one person and the week prior involved me partaking in a semi emotional outlet of deep crying. I had the following occur: I just quit my job without a safety net to fall back on, I was $3,000.00 behind on my rent, and my ex-boyfriend (if I could even call him that) had just swapped me out of his life to marry his fiance. So for me to conceptualize any light at the end of the tunnel was dismal. I reached out to my two friends to see if they were interested in attending. I've become accustomed not being the kind of girl that received a bunch of sleepover invites in grade school nor bridesmaid invitations outside of family. Indeed, I have never been invited to no more than two weddings in my lifetime and I partially feel okay about it. As a side note, I'm aware that if you haven't stopped reading by now I must sound like the following:
- Some sad woman who is trying therapy via blogging
- A self absorbed narcissist
- A human being with social anxiety disorder
The truth is that I guess I am all three but I will leave that open for my readers to decide. So what occurred that evening was that my one friend was surprised that I had actually reached him since I was hibernating from everyone the week prior. I have a tendency to ignore my friends and family when I'm really depressed. I just can't bare to deal with their sympathy, questions, concerns, criticisms, healthy vibes, etc and/or lack thereof. The reality is that I prefer to not take my emotions outside to others when inside I feel like I'm in physical pain.
I often justify that by equally ghosting loved ones until I feel ready to rejoin society. It's almost like I've to play in a masquerade ball or only show the best version of myself without ugly realities such as having flaws. Hence today I publish this article with the intention of simply wanting to have an outlet that will turn my shortcomings into healthy creative expression. I'm happy that I went outside instead of maintaining a perpetual cycle of isolation and loneliness that evening. Why? Because although I have direly stressful depressing anxious situations in life I know that it's healthier to just face my demons. I find it ironic that at the very core people can cause anxiety but people are also the solution. Disclaimer I am not a doctor and I myself, as if you haven’t guessed by now, suffer from anxiety & depression. I will also state that I do believe in therapy and medicine combined. I found outlets such as music, meditation, yoga, working on hobbies, & positive influences to be a Catch-22.
Bottom line we need distractions in life in order to not loose the mental health struggle and I welcome you to my crappy corner. A place where we can convene make meaningful connections embracing any corner's within our lives. Thank you for reading. Please share your thoughts and comments. Stay blessed!
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